


sign me to sleep

by amortentialarry



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: "platonic" hand holding, M/M, but it's pretty much, harry is dyslexic, i guess spoilers for that book? kind of?, it's really fluffy, just like a little bit of angst i guess, louis is deaf, they never officially get together, they read flowers for algernon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-26 03:22:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7558240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amortentialarry/pseuds/amortentialarry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry unpacks his backpack, putting his notebook and freshly sharpened pencils on his desk before turning to the boy and saying, “Hi, I’m Harry.”<br/>No answer.<br/>Harry frowns. “Um, what’s your name?” he tries.<br/>The boy doesn't even look up, just continues writing on his paper, the silence draping like curtain between them.</p><p>-</p><p>the one where harry has dyslexia and he's just trying to make a friend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	sign me to sleep

**Author's Note:**

> i originally wrote this in the first person between a girl and a boy, but i liked the story so much that i changed it to fit harry and louis. so, if anything seems out of place, that is why.
> 
> i apologize in advance for the end. loveeeee.

****The middle school is big and grey and quite frankly, almost as intimidating as Harry's therapist’s office.

Every student he passes makes him nervous, because even though he's an eighth grader and taller than most of them, they all seem so much _bigger_ than he is. They're all clustered in little groups, moving in herds through the halls, laughing and talking and generally being confident.

Feeling small, Harry's therapist says, is a side effect of being different.

Harry accidentally trips into a seventh grader, who shoots Harry a sour look, and Harry wonders, _does he know that I’m messed up?_

His therapist tells him not to call himself "messed up", but even if he hadn’t heard his second grade teacher whisper to his parents that _your son has a severe case of dyslexia,_ he would have figured it out eventually. If he wasn’t messed up, the words would stay still on the page, and letters wouldn’t pretend to be each other. So after they diagnosed Harry as dyslexic, he diagnosed himself as messed up.

Harry walks into his first class and finds himself in a big room that, save for the teacher and one small boy, is empty. The boy is the only person so far who seems small to Harry, maybe because he's by himself and not surrounded by a loud crowd of people. He's sitting in the back corner of the room, writing on a piece of paper, head bent so far down that his light brown hair is almost touching the dark wood of the desktop.

“Hello!”

Harry jumps and looks over at the teacher, who’s risen from her desk and is walking over to him, holding out her hand. “Hi dear, what’s your name?”

“Harry,” he says, taking her hand and shaking it. She smells like vanilla in an overwhelming way.

“Take any seat you want. Class doesn’t start for another ten minutes.” The teacher gives Harry a warm smile and then bustles back to her desk.

Harry decides to sit next to the small boy, because if he's going to make any friends in this place, it might as well be with the only other person here who doesn't seem to already have a clique.

Harry unpacks his backpack, putting his notebook and freshly sharpened pencils on his desk before turning to the boy and saying, “Hi, I’m Harry.”

No answer.

Harry frowns. “Um, what’s your name?” he tries.

The boy doesn't even look up, just continues writing on his paper, the silence draping like curtain between them.

“Ah, Harry, honey, could you come here?”

Harry stands up and walks over to the teacher’s desk, whose name he's already forgotten. “Yes?”

“That’s Louis Tomlinson,” she says, an overpowering waft of vanilla scent washing over Harry as she speaks. “He's joining our class because he's incredibly gifted in math.”

“Okay,” Harry says, a little confused as to why the _teacher_ had to introduce Louis to Harry, and why Louis didn't just do it himself. “Thanks.”

The teacher smiles kindly, and Harry walks back to his seat, his head swimming with vanilla and Louis and confusion, which isn't going to help him when he gets around to going to English class.

Harry looks at Louis, who's scribbling furiously still, and taps his shoulder.

He looks up quickly, and Harry is met with startlingly blue eyes. “Hi,” Harry says again. “I’m Harry.”

Louis' eyes widen, and he studies Harry uncertainly before flipping to a fresh page in his notebook. He writes furiously for a moment, and then rips out the sheet of paper, placing it onto Harry's desk.

_Hi, I’m Louis Tomlinson. What’s that you said?_

After deciphering the words for a minute, Harry answers, “I’m Harry,” and Louis shakes his head, tapping the paper with the eraser of his pencil, the tip of which Harry notices is already worn down to a rounded nub. He must write a lot.

_Hi Louis. I’m Harry. Why are we talking like this?_

He leans over when Harry is finally finished writing so that he can write on the paper:

_I’m deaf. I can’t hear you._

Harry's eyes widen, and he looks at Louis with a mix of shock and horror. “Oh my god, I’m sorry.”

Louis rolls his eyes and laughs. The sound is slightly disjointed, as though he's trying to imitate someone else laughing. He mouths, “I’m sorry,” and then laughs again, waiting for Harry to realize his mistake.

When he finally does, Harry smacks his forehead with his palm and then slowly writes on the paper, _Have you been deaf your whole life?_

Louis nods, and then writes, _Yeah. You don’t happen to know American Sign Language, do you? Much easier than passing notes._

Harry shakes his head, and Louis sighs.

By that time, the classroom is pretty much filled with lots of loud people who are throwing things back and forth, laughing loudly, and chattering. It's like a little part of the hallway crowd transplanted into the room.

Harry looks down at the paper and sees a new note in Louis' hasty handwriting:

_I’ll teach you sometime._

He signs something to Harry, who gives him a blank look as the bell rings in the background, and Teacher Vanilla introduces herself.

After first period, Harry doesn't see Louis the rest of the day. Not even at lunch, which sucks, because Harry was really hoping he'd have someone to eat lunch with on the first day of school. Instead, he sits by himself at a lunch table in the very far corner of the cafeteria, eating out of a brown paper bag while kids at other tables make noise and sip out of little milk cartons.

 

\---

 

When he sees Louis the next day in math, he takes out a sheet of paper and begins their conversation:

_Hey, why didn’t I see you in any other classes yesterday?_

**_How do you expect the deaf boy to participate in English, Science or History? Those classes are all teachers talking, and wait a minute, I think I’m deaf._ **

_Why’re you in here, then?_

**_Because math is mostly just solving problems. I’m good at that._ **

_I’m not good at this, and I can_ hear _her explanations._

Which makes Louis laugh, which makes _Harry_ laugh. Teacher Vanilla ignores them, which Harry thinks is really nice. There aren’t many perks to being messed up, but Harry has figured out that messed up people can get away with a lot of stuff not-messed-up people can’t.

 

\---

 

They hang out a lot after school, when Louis gets back from his special deaf school and Harry gets home from regular school, although his enrollment there is somewhat questionable. But there isn't a special dyslexic school, and Harry isn’t special enough to be in special education, so there he is, in normal school.

They mostly hang out at the park, on the swings, because nothing makes Louis laugh more than the swings, and Louis' laugh always makes Harry laugh. They swing on the swings for God knows how long and then, under the shade of an old oak tree, they sit and Louis would teach Harry sign language.

Sign language is easier for Harry to learn than regular language arts, because Louis' hand motions don't spin around like words do. Learning sign language makes their in-class conversations a lot faster because they didn’t have to stop and wait for Harry to read, decode, and then write a response, which takes forever.

By the time Christmas comes around, Harry is good enough to sign _Merry Christmas to my best friend, Louis_ , which makes him cry. Harry isn’t good enough to read what he signs back, so he signs it to his younger sister, Lottie, who tells Harry that Louis said _You’re not just the only friend I’ve ever had, but also the best_ , which makes _Harry_ cry, and so they spend their first Christmas together crying on the sofa sharing chocolate chip cookies.

Over the holiday break, Louis secretly teaches Harry swear words in sign language, and when they returned to school, Harry frequently uses them in math class, which makes Louis laugh even more than the swings, smiling so wide that he later tells Harry that his face hurts.

Teacher Vanilla mostly leaves them alone in class, because they're doing well enough that their goofing off in the back of class isn't a concern. Harry, admittedly, is only doing well because Louis is a math _genius_ and he makes everything really easy because unlike Teacher Vanilla, he knows how Harry's brain works, and so math suddenly begins to make sense.

Louis also helps Harry with English, because it turns out that along with being a math genius, he's also an English genius and he's already read all of the books Harry has to read, They spend a lot of time sitting on the swings, not swinging, just sitting, Louis signing book summaries to Harry. Harry starts getting decent grades in English, which thrill his parents so much that they even consider stopping his visits to the therapist, because better grades must be a reflection of an improvement in his mental health.

Harry's therapist is a tall, bald man named Mr. Kraus who always wears an argyle sweater. Sometimes it’s blue, sometimes it’s green, but it’s always argyle. He has little rectangular glasses that are always balanced precisely in the middle of his nose, and he always asks Harry about his day, which seems kind of useless because his mom does that too, and she doesn’t get paid.

Still, Harry tells him about his day, and since most of his stories revolve around Louis, Mr. Kraus starts asking him about Louis in particular, like what he looks like and why Harry likes him and things like that. Harry tells him about Louis, and that’s his favorite part of therapy, because Louis is his favorite person, and there’s always a story about him to tell Mr. Kraus.

Initially, Harry went to see Mr. Kraus because his dyslexia made him angry, and the principal told his parents that he needed _anger-management classes_ , which his dad refused immediately, because Harry didn’t have anger issues, he was an angel, it was just reading that frustrated him. So then the principal suggested that Harry have therapy just for his dyslexia-induced anger, which was apparently a much better option.

“How’s your English class, Harry?” Mr. Kraus asks, adjusting his glasses without moving them at all.

Harry shrugs. “It’s pretty alright. Louis helps me understand the books, so it’s not that bad.”

“Do you read any of the books, Harry?”

“Not really. If Louis can tell me what they’re about, I don’t see the point in reading it myself. I just think it’s easiest not to try.”

“I think you should try, Harry. You’re not always going to have Louis there to tell you what books are about. You need to learn how to read on your own.

 _The words need to learn how to stay still_ , Harry signs in his lap, and Mr. Kraus asks, “What was that?”

“Just twiddling my fingers, Mr. Kraus.”

“Right,” he says, narrowing his eyes but letting it slide. “So tell me, you say Louis' a math wizard?”

“He's really smart. He explains all of the math so that it makes sense. I understand the Pythagorean Theorem, you know that? It makes sense!”

“That’s fantastic, Harry. But what do you mean when you say he explains it so that it makes sense? Doesn’t your teacher do that?”

“The teacher explains it on the board, but it doesn’t make sense, it’s just all shapes and numbers that switch. Louis explains it in sign language, and then it all makes sense because nothing switches.”

“Alright. Thanks, Harry, that’s all for today. I’ll see you in a few weeks.”

 

\---

 

The summer before high school, Louis and Harry go to the mall, holding hands so that Louis doesn't get lost in the crowd. It became a comfortable habit, holding hands, because one time Louis got lost while their families were out shopping, and after they found him crying in the corner of a Gap store, Harry promised that he'd never let him get lost again.

Just on principle, Harry hates bookstores, but he never minds going in with Louis. He always gets this look in his eyes when they go, and when they go that day, Louis signs excitedly, _How about we read a book together?_

Harry shakes his head, because while he likes Louis a lot, he hates reading more. He hasn't properly read a novel in almost two years, thanks to dyslexia and Louis' book summaries. When he tells Louis he isn't going to read with him, he pouts and threatens to stop the book summaries.

Which is how they both walk out of the bookstore with copies of _Flowers for Algernon_.

As they sit at a table sharing a pretzel, Louis tells Harry that he loves reading because it makes him feel normal, like he exists in a world where sound are real. Because, in a book, everything is silent. Nobody hears real noises when they read a book. Reading and writing are the two things that Louis has in common with the rest of the world.

Harry pouts, complaining that reading only reminds him of the fact that he _isn't_ normal. Louis looks up through his eyelashes and signs that he wants them to do his favorite hobby together, and, well, how can Harry say no to that?

So he tries reading the book. He's shocked when the beginning of the book is filled with misspellings and run-on sentences. At first, he thinks it's his dyslexia _really_ acting up, but Louis assures him that he sees the same thing, and that the book is actually written that way. Harry decides to trust him, considering that Louis is a few chapters in and he's still on page two.

Every weekend for the next few months, the two of them meet up to read. Louis finishes the book far faster than Harry does, and is in the midst of his third read when Harry finally finishes it for the first time.

 _How was it?_ Louis asks, putting his book facedown on his nightstand to keep his place.

Harry sighs, leaning back against Louis' bed. _I don't think I've ever read a book that long in my life_ , Harry answers, and Louis laughs, nudging Harry's head with his toe.

_Seriously, what did you think?_

_It was pretty good. I’m really sad, though. I wish Charlie had stayed smart_.

 _He was messed up too,_ Louis signs, looking thoughtful.

Harry nods. _Yeah. He was still a person, though. Just because he was messed up doesn’t give other people the right to treat him like they did_.

Louis stares at Harry for a long time, which is weird, because he is on his bed and Harry is on the floor, and while they are almost always in silence, this silence feels weird.

 

\---

 

Christmas rolls around again, and this time they celebrate at Harry's house. Harry burns cookies, pours milk half into glasses and half onto the counter, and puts his Christmas jumper on backwards. He opens the door to a rosy-cheeked Louis, who laughs when he sees his sweater, and then Harry is getting hugs from Louis and all of the rest of Louis' family.

While the parents talk amongst themselves, Louis and Harry hang around the living room. He bought Harry a gift, and it's sitting under the Christmas tree, the lights gleaming off of the silver wrapping paper.

 _I tied the bow myself_ , he tells Harry with a proud smile, and Harry grins at him, because the bow is immaculate, like just about everything that Louis does.

There are Christmas songs playing quietly on the radio, so Harry turns it up, grabbing Louis by the hand. They begin to dance around to the beat, Harry in command. Louis starts laughing hysterically when they realize that neither of them can dance; Louis because he couldn’t hear the song, and Harry because he has absolutely no sense of rhythm. They end up just holding each other’s hands and spinning around until they get too dizzy, crashing onto the sofa laughing, and then getting up and doing it all over again.

After dinner, when it's time to open presents, Louis hands Harry his perfectly wrapped present, and Harry hands Louis his less-perfectly wrapped present.

Harry opens his, trying not to ruin the wrapping paper and, of course, wrecking it entirely. Inside the box is a small black notebook.

Inside the front cover, Louis has written a note in his trademark hasty handwriting:

 

_Harry,_

_Hey, best friend! Merry Christmas. Thank you for everything these past three years. You’re the best friend I could have ever asked for, honest. I mean it. Not many people would learn an entirely different language just so they can talk to a deaf boy. Also, not many dyslexics would read a book just because their deaf best friend wanted them to._

_This notebook is just full of things about you and me, because you and I are the best friends and_ someone _had to write it all down, and we both know it wouldn’t have been you. I know you hate reading, but I really hope that you read through this. I tried to put as many pictures as possible, you know, to make it easier._

_Merry Christmas!_

_\- Louis_

  

The first page of the notebook has a picture of the two of them sitting at Louis' kitchen table, a plate of cookies between them, captioned _Harry and Louis, the first time they baked cookies._

Harry looks up at Louis, who is sitting on the sofa opposite of him, holding the book he'd given him. It's his copy of _Flowers for Algernon_ , with lots of post-its sticking out of the edges.

 _Thank you_ , he signs, tears in his eyes, and Harry signs it back, making Louis smile, a tear falling down his cheek.

 _Why’re you crying?_ Lottie asks, and Louis gives Harry a questioning look, waiting for his nod of approval before giving the book to Lottie.

On the inside cover of the book, Harry wrote Louis a note, a ridiculously similar gift to what Louis had given Harry. Harry found all of his favorite lines of the book and marked them, and in the note, he told Louis that he was his favorite person and he deserved to have not only the only book he'd ever read in entirety, but also the best. A small nod to what Louis told Harry their first Christmas together.

Later that night, Louis and Harry go ice skating, which, no surprise, he picks up with great finesse, and the two of them go around the rink, fingers interlaced, screaming whenever Harry trips and causes them to tumble onto the ice.

 

\---

 

Sophomore year, Harry finally begins to read his own books for English, and confirms his understanding with Louis. Harry spends a lot of time thinking about Louis, lying on his bed and looking at the ceiling and thinking that he would be perfectly happy to just spend forever with him.

When they are on the park swings together, he stares at Louis a lot, because he swings low, eyes closed and a small smile on his face. Silence isn’t new for them, but stillness is, because in order to talk, they have to move. When Louis is still on the swings, Harry feels like he's looking at a statue of Adonis.

Harry makes two friends sophomore year, Liam and Niall, who were both in his biology class freshman year. Liam is a tall, broad boy with short brown hair and the widest brown puppy eyes Harry's ever seen. Niall is a short, gangly blonde who is almost as bad at math as Harry is, but he's an English god who cracks the best jokes. They eat lunch together every day, and Liam and Niall do most of the talking, because it feels weird talking a lot. While Liam and Niall talk about the last history test or about how Perrie Edwards dumped Zayn Malik, Harry signs his opinion under the table.

Harry wants to introduce them to Louis, but Louis isn't incredibly thrilled with the idea. He never tells Harry why, so he lets the matter slide, hanging out with Niall and Liam at school, and with Louis on the weekends.

Louis and Harry are out at the mall when they run into Niall and his friend Dan, which turns into a kind of awkward situation, but not because Dan is talking too fast for Louis to read his lips so that he has to keep asking Harry what Dan is saying.

It's awkward because Niall saw that Louis and Harry are holding hands, and no matter how many times he tells Niall that they are only holding hands because Louis is deaf and they don't want to get separated, Niall keeps on asking why Harry didn’t tell him he had a boyfriend.

The reason Harry doesn't tell Louis what Niall is asking is because he _likes_ Louis. He can't just laugh it off because part of him wants what Niall said to be true, he wants Louis to be his boyfriend.

So he lies and says that Niall is surprised that Harry cut his hair recently, which satisfies him.

They go into the bookstore and browse through the shelves. Louis picks out a book and then makes Harry pick out a book, and then they set out.

When his mom comes to pick Louis up, Harry walks him to his car, says hi to Mrs. Tomlinson and then walks back into the mall. While they were walking, Louis pointed out a ring, which he's never done before, and Harry is going to go and get that ring if it kills him.

 

\---

 

At school, Niall pesters Harry about Louis, which gets Liam all curious, and eventually Harry gives in and tells them the shortest version possible about Louis; he's a friend from middle school, and they are _just friends_ , and Louis is deaf, which is why they were holding hands thank you very much.

Niall seems disappointed, which baffles Harry, because _why_ he wants Louis to be Harry's boyfriend is beyond him. Liam is immediately disinterested, focusing more on the math homework he has due next period than Harry's non-boyfriend.

 

\---

 

Louis and Harry sit on the swings one day in late October. He is wearing a pretty caramel colored sweater and black jeans that are ripped at the knees and black sneakers. They're just sitting, not actually swinging, and he signs to Harry something he's never signed before, which, of course, leaves him in the dark.

 _What?_ Harry signs back, and Louis just shakes his head, looking down at his feet and sighing.

 _Nevermind_.

Harry wants to grab Louis and make him tell. Instead, he sits, rocking back and forth slightly, thinking about the ring sitting in his desk drawer, just waiting for Christmas.

He has to look up what _I love you_ is in sign language before Christmas.

 

\---

 

A few weeks later, they're hanging out in Louis' room, sitting across from each other on his bed when he signs, _Close your eyes_.

Harry frowns. _Why?_

 _Because I have a surprise, and you need to close your eyes_.

Harry sighs but complies, closing his eyes and waiting.

After a minute, Harry is about to open his eyes and ask what it is when he suddenly heard someone say his name.

“Harry.”

Harry's eyes fly open, and he stares at Louis, who is beaming.

 _Do that again_ , Harry signs, and he grins.

“Harry,” Louis says. His name is slightly distorted in his mouth, coming out closer to “Harru” than “Harry,” but still Harry starts crying because it's the most beautiful thing he's ever heard, besides Louis' laugh.

“Oh my god!” Harry says out loud, and he starts laughing while wiping the tears from his face. “Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, how on earth?”

He signs the question to Louis, and he beams at Harry.

_My school started a program to help us learn how to say basic phrases. I asked the teacher if she could teach me to say your name._

_What else can you say?_ Harry asks.

“Mom, Dad, hello, I’m lost.” Louis says each word slowly, his face scrunching up adorably as he concentrates. _We’re learning essential phrases in case we get lost and we need help_. “I’m deaf,” he says, nodding.

“Oh wow,” Harry says, shaking his head. “Wow, I can’t believe it.”

Louis smiles widely, and Harry launches himself forward to hug him, and Louis hugs him back, burying his face in the crook of Harry's neck. “Harry,” he whispers again, and he holds him tighter, wondering what miracle let him have Louis as a best friend.

For the first time ever, Harry is thankful that he's dyslexic, because if he wasn't, he wouldn’t have met Louis.

 

\---

 

He doesn't see Louis for a week because he's sick with pneumonia and he doesn't want Harry to get sick. Once Christmas break starts, Harry sits at home and reads over _Little Women_ , which is a book that Louis loves. Reading it makes Harry feel like he's with Louis, keeps his mind totally occupied and not too worried about Louis. Still, at night, there is plenty of time to worry about Louis, so Harry starts bringing the book to bed, falling asleep reading.

Christmas comes and goes, and it feels wrong, because there is no Louis and it's just the four members of Harry's family. The ring stays in his drawer, shut tight with the notebook Louis gave him last Christmas.

 

\---

 

When Louis' mom calls in the middle of the night, Harry doesn't quite understand what's going on. She woke Harry from a dream where he was Laurie and Louis was Jo, and they were off having a grand adventure. The news that Louis is in the hospital doesn't make sense. If Louis is in the hospital, they can't have adventures.

The next day, Harry goes to visit Louis in the hospital, except for that he can't because he's in ICU and that's family only. And even though Mrs. Tomlinson insisted that Harry is _practically family_ , it isn't good enough for the doctors, so Harry sits in the waiting room for a little while.

Lottie comes out of Louis' room and sits next to Harry, quietly giving him a status report. Louis' awake. He's on medication. Hopefully, he'll be okay. He mentioned Harry. He's most likely going to recover.

Harry stays in the waiting room for another hour with Lottie before his mom picks him up and takes him home.

“I’m so sorry, honey,” she says, and all he can do is sigh and look out the window.

At home, Harry learns how to sign “I love you,” and it looks familiar, but Harry can't remember where he's seen it before.

He needs Louis to get better.

 

\---

 

He doesn't get better.

The medicine isn't working. He's constantly having chills, passing in and out of consciousness. And Harry still can't see him, because ICU is always, always family only.

Harry missed Louis like crazy.

It's another two days of sitting on the other side of the door from Louis before Lottie comes out, eyes red, tears streaking down her face, and Harry knows that everything is over.

Harry hugs Lottie, and then Mr. and Mrs. Tomlinson when they come out. And then they all cry for a little bit in the waiting room. Harry's suddenly mad at all of the other people sitting in the waiting room, because they only _fear_ that their loved ones are on the way to death, while his is already there.

Harry goes home, and his mom gives him a hug too, and he just feels like he'll never be able to cry out all the sadness, although he sure tries. He sits in his room and cries. _Little Women_ is on his nightstand, facedown the way Louis used to so that he could keep his place. Harry knows the little box in his desk drawer has the ring that he'd gotten for Louis, and he sits on his bed, crying, signing _I love you_ over and over to himself because he learned it for Louis and never even got the chance to show him.

Niall and Liam visit, but he doesn't want to see them, so his mom sends them away nicely, giving them hugs and telling them that Harry just isn't ready.

The next day, his mom walks in with a mug of hot chocolate and sits on his bed, smoothing the covers for a moment before saying, “Louis' funeral is tomorrow. Mrs. Tomlinson asked you to speak.”

Harry doesn't want to speak, but he feels awful, thinking about refusing to honor the one person who meant the world to him. “Yeah, I’ll speak,” he says, and his mom kisses his forehead before leaving.

The hot chocolate gets cold on his nightstand as he sits at his desk, drafting a speech about Louis. It's tear-streaked and the letters are shaky and probably all in the wrong order, but it's his one chance to tell Louis he loves him, and he isn't going to let it pass.

 

\---

 

The funeral is hell.

Louis' casket is closed, and Harry wants to cry, because he'll never see his face again. He doesn't cry, though, because he needs to speak, and once he starts crying it's almost impossible for him to stop.

Louis' family all give Harry hugs, and Harry hugs them all back, whispering, “I’m sorry,” into all of their ears, and they all whisper “thank you” back.

Louis' mom speaks first, talking about her angel with a quavering voice, recounting all of these wonderful moments of Louis and finally looking up at the ceiling of the cathedral and saying, “Baby, I miss you so much.”

Louis' dad speaks afterwards, but he breaks down halfway through and can't finish. Lottie takes over afterwards, talking quietly about her older brother, fighting through the tears that are streaming down her face. Harry hasn't talked to Lottie that much over the years, but of all the moments between Lottie and Louis Harry's ever seen, this is the one that shows just how much Lottie loved her big brother.

And then Harry's name is being called, and he walks up to the podium, clearing his throat once before unfolding his notes.

“Louis was the first real friend I ever had,” Harry says, staring at the paper so he doesn't have to stare at all of the people staring at him. “I met him in seventh grade, when I made the mistake of talking to him for a few minutes before he told me that he was deaf.”

That gets a few laughs, and Harry waits for them to die down before I continues, “Louis was the best friend I could have ever asked for. He helped me face my dyslexia by dragging me to bookstores every so often and making me read books. He always made me laugh just by laughing. Louis was funny and so, so smart, and he was wonderful. And writing this speech is the hardest thing I ever had to do, because the fact that I’m standing here telling you about him and what he means to me means that he's really gone, and I never wanted to admit that.”

There's absolute silence, and for a moment Harry feels he's in Louis' world, where there's no sound, just the thoughts in your own head. And all he can do is think, _I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you_.

He doesn't want to break the silence, so he steps away from the podium and begins to sign the rest of his speech.

_Louis was like sunshine. He could always make things better, and I’m so lucky that I got to call him my best friend. I don’t know what heaven’s like, but I imagine it like an endless meadow. And heaven’s meadow just got the most beautiful angel it’s ever seen._

Louis' mom is crying in the front row, and she's nodding, and Harry swallows hard, looking down at his shoes, and finishes his speech.

 _I love you, Louis,_ he signs.

And then Harry starts to cry.

 

\---

 

Months pass before Harry talks to Niall and Liam again. They both take him back immediately; Niall gives him a long hug, and Liam just kind of shuffles his feet and pats him on the shoulder.

Harry is quieter than ever, and he finds sign language to be painful. He realizes that the only reason he ever signed was because of Louis, and now that he's gone, there's no reason that he'll ever have to sign again. But sometimes, he lies awake in bed, signing _I love you_ until he falls asleep.

He doesn't want to read, either, because reading is something from Louis, and he doesn't want to read if he doesn't have a Louis to talk to about it with afterwards. His grades drop, and his teachers began to talk to his parents. Harry sits at the top of the stairs and hears his parents sit at the kitchen table and throw around words like _depressed_ and _lethargic_.

He walks out on Mr. Kraus when he asks him about Louis, walks away from anyone who tries to mention his name. It hurts, hurts like a wound that won't scab, won't heal, and he feels like his heart is bleeding.

It takes Harry almost a year to start trying again. His mom is falling apart watching Harry fall apart, and his dad came into his room to talk to him.

    Harry is sitting on his bed, and his dad sat on his bed quietly, simply sitting for a few minutes before he asks, “Do you think Louis would have wanted you to give up like this?”

Harry doesn't answer him in words, but in actions. He walks out to the kitchen and gives his mom a hug, whispering in her ear that he loves her, and she starts crying, holding Harry close and telling him that she loves him more.

He starts trying in English class again, because Louis was always happy when he tried hard at English. He hangs out with Niall and Liam more, and he learns how to be happy again. Of course, he never stops thinking about Louis, but his dad is right. Louis wouldn’t have wanted Harry to fall apart.

So he holds it together.

For Louis

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'M SORRY.


End file.
